July 31st is a very special day. Firstly, it is my wife’s birthday. Secondly, as she often reminds me, she shares that birthday with the Chosen One himself, Harry Potter. Because I’m trying to run this #SummerOfContent thing into the ground, here we are.
It would, in my opinion, be a little too easy to do “If the Big 12 teams were Harry Potter characters,” with Kansas State as Dumbledore and Texas as Lucius Malfoy. I’m here to dig deeper and give you the hard-hitting, insane analysis that you’ve come to expect if you’re unfortunate enough to follow us on Twitter.
And now, without any further ado, here’s who the Big 12 teams would be if they were minor Harry Potter characters who no one with any sanity has ever heard of.
Baylor Bears — Pius Thicknesse
Pius Thicknesse, for the uneducated, was Minister of Magic during 1997—the dummy Ministry set up to be a front for Lord Voldemort’s reign. The general theme of his rise to power was sticking his head in the sand as Death Eaters slowly but surely infiltrated his Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and he eventually became the mind-controlled public face of an evil empire.
I’m going to stop here and move on immediately.
Iowa St. Cyclones — Charlie Weasley
Poor, underused Charlie. The forgotten brother in a family that hogs the entire plot of the books, for better or for worse. Forever lost among his more attention seeking or ambitious brothers, a normal person wouldn’t be blamed for forgetting the existence of Charlie among the Weasley clan.
However, he’ll show up every once and a while and do something awesome with a dragon. Sorry, ‘Pokes. That’s our ‘Clones.
Kansas Jayhawks — Stan Shunpike
Stan is a magic bus greeter.
Stan was thrown in jail for no reason as a political pawn.
This plotline never really gets rectified.
Stan is Kansas.
Kansas State Wildcats — Nicolas Flamel
This is slightly low-hanging fruit, though not as much as the inevitable Bill Snyder/Dumbledore connection. I’m also blatantly stealing this from a Twitter follower. Thanks, Elliott!
Do we have proof that Bill Snyder isn't actually Nicolas Flamel?— Elliott Lewis (@Elliott_Lewis) July 30, 2017
Nicolas Flamel is the creator of the Philosopher’s/Sorcerer’s Stone and at the time of the first Harry Potter novel was 690 years old due to said stone’s ability to create the Elixir of Life. Like Bill Snyder, immortality has somehow *not* turned him into a major dick (transfer restrictions notwithstanding) and he lived a quiet life with his wife in Wizard Kansas.
However, with the destruction of the Stone, his immortality ran dry and his time on Earth ended. When Bill Snyder’s Quarterback Iso of Life finally runs dry, you get stuck with Ron Prince again. Or something. Just work with me on this.
Oklahoma Sooners — Cormac McClaggen
Cormac McClaggen, introduced in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, has basically two defining traits and is one of the worst all around characters that JK Rowling ever produced.
First, Cormac is extremely good at sports.
Secondly, Cormac never shuts the hell up about it, good lord.
Luckily for everyone else, Cormac is very prone to getting hit with extremely well-timed Confundus charms at very big moments in his sporting career. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Oklahoma State Cowboys — Fenrir Greyback
I had a bad answer here. I was stumped by Mike Gundy, but Father of the Retweet Brandon Priddy had my back when I called for aid. I’ll let him take it from here.
Fenrir Greyback. He got that mullet and he DGAF. People goan die— Brandon Priddy (@abpriddy) July 31, 2017
TCU Horned Frogs — Frank Bryce
I thought long and hard about TCU before settling on the blue collar, gritty, all around good dude who was the Groundskeeper for Tom Riddle Sr’s abandoned home. TCU is, to me, the most normal of the quirky miniboss squad that is the Big 12, so I felt their best representative was this dude who just showed up to work and did his job.
That’s a compliment, I guess?
Texas Longhorns — Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, Rightful Heir to the Iron Throne, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons
Someone of such great importance would find herself above the “child’s fare” of the Harry Potter universe.
Long may she reign.
Texas Tech Red Raiders — Gilderoy Lockhart
Gilderoy is basically Wizard Kliff Kingsbury. If SB Nation had a most charming smile award for college football head coaches, Kliff would definitely be its five time winner (until the reckoning when Clint Trickett comes for his rightful throne).
As you know, Lockhart was the second of Harry’s ill-fated Defense Against the Dark Arts professors. Sadly, Lockhart was lacking one aspect of a successful Defense Against the Dark Arts curriculum: any knowledge of or desire to perform any sort of actual defense.
West Virginia Mountaineers — Seamus Finnigan
I labored over this one for a long time, because I truly had a wide range of options. But, at the end of the day, Seamus enjoys smuggling alcohol into places where it is decidedly not allowed to be and is skilled at blowing things up.
He’s one of us.