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John Calipari, Coward King of College Basketball, eyes move to the NBA due to fear of playing in Morgantown


NCAA Basketball: NCAA Tournament-South Regional-Kentucky vs North Carolina Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

Opportunity knocked on Wednesday morning for the so-called king of college basketball John Calipari, as Phil Jackson was ousted from the New York Knicks. As nightmares of Joe Mazzulla completely shutting down Boogie Cousins in the post and the Mountaineers shoving a spear into the heart of his first Kentucky super team haunt his attempts to sleep, Mr. Calipari saw his out, a golden ticket out of a one way trip into hell next January.

Who can really blame John? He knows as well as anyone that Daxter Miles simply warged into the future when he famously called for victory against the Kentucky Wildcats in 2015. The ultimate opportunity to spearhead the Carmelo Anthony buyout and kickstart the Banana Boat Brotherhood team in Cleveland is a much better way to spend your winter than ripping out your hair as 47 year old Jevon Carter flummoxes whatever five star point guard you’ve rolled out in Lexington this year (it’s Quade Green!).

We at Smoking Musket Dot Com reached out to Coach Calipari for comment, but he screamed in fear at the sight of a 304 area code. We wish him the best in New York and implore him to give Devin Ebanks the max this summer. Proven John Wall stoppers are hard to find in this free agent economy.