Scene: Nick Saban's office shortly after Doug Nussmeier resigned as Alabama offensive coordinator.
(UA AD Bill Battle) What is it coach?
Nussmeier just resigned. So now I gotta take time away from recruiting to do interviews.
Well look at it this way, coach. If you don't hire someone to run the offense you'll have to do it yourself. And that will take away from recruiting as well.
(shakes fists at the sky) DAMN YOU, NUSSMEIER!!!!!!!!!!
It's a conundrum for sure, coach. But look, I don't wanna tell you how to do your job so I'm going to get out of here. Make sure it's a good hire, though. We don't want a repeat of last year...
...a repeat of last year? They wouldn't fire me if we don't win the title would they?
Secretary, bring me my rolodex!
My name is Jane! Why won't you call me by my name?
It's a process. You just have to be patient.
Your rolodex is right beside the phone.
Okay, let's see here. Beamer? Nope. Brown? Hehe, nope. Carr? God I loved his commitment to the run game. But nope. Dantoni? How the hell did he get in here? Crap! Let's start from the back
Rodriguez? That invites too much trouble. Hmmmmm, Mike Leach. He's not doing anything right now, I think. (dials phone number)
Coach Leach, this is coach Saban. I was calling to see if you had any interest in a job on my staff.
Hey coach. Thanks for the offer, but I've got a job.
Yeah, I'm head coach at Washington St.
Well crap! I need an offensive coordinator. Got any ideas?
Let's see...I know a guy with college and pro coaching experience that's not doing anything (giggles)
Yeah! (covers phone while blowing snot bubbles)...his name is (catches breath) Lane...Kiffin.
Oh come on, coach! He's been the fall guy at every job he's ever had. (stops to ponder what he just said)...Hey coach, I gotta run.
(calls Kiffin) Lane? This is coach Saban.
It's coach Saban if you don't mind. Now, the reason I called is that I need an offensive coordinator and I couldn't think of anyo...you were the first name that came up. So what do you say? You want the job?
Oh boy do I! Mom and dad will be so happy!
Yes, I'm sure they'll be very proud of you.
No Mr. Saban. You don't understand. I've been living in their basement for the past year and let's just say we don't share the same taste in music or volume.
Got it. Anyhow, get your bags packed and get out here. We've got a lot of work to do before the season starts.
A couple days later
Lane, the way this is going to work is that I'll handle all communication with the media. Between now and the start of camp I want you to learn the playbook and watch film on the guys we have coming back. Get to know the guys on offense but don't talk too much. We're going to play this pretty close to the vest.
Don't you want me to get out there and do some recruiting?
Didn't I just tell you not to talk too much?
And in order to recruit don't you have to talk?
Okay then. When the season rolls around I'm going to want you in the press box. But don't worry, there will be plenty of ice cream and video games for when the other team has the ball.
Yea! I love ice cream! But don't you want me to work on drawing up some special plays or something, Mr. Saban?
You just don't get it do you? All I want you to do is to follow the process as I've laid it out for you.
(calls AD Battle) Bill I think I found our fall guy.
Yeah, I heard you hired Kiffin. Are you sure that's wise?
If they come after me, they'll come after you too. At least this way we'll have someone to blame. Just make sure there's plenty of ice cream and video games in the coaches box upstairs and I'll have one of the graduate assistants take pictures of him during the games.
Sounds like you got this all figured out.
Yeah, it's all part of the process. We're golden.