(Scene: Sports Page, High Street, Morgantown, West Virginia. Juwan Staten sits alone at the bar, dejected and embarrassed, looking back at the missed opportunities down the stretch that lead to the Mountaineers missing the NCAA tournament for a second straight season and losing to Georgetown in the first round of the NIT. His phone goes off. Eron Harris and Terry Henderson have transferred. Pissed off, Juwan begins to speak.)
Who do they think they are? Those guys have transferred from the wrong team!
JON KIMBLE (be quiet this is my story):
Publicly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear.
What for? Nothing helps.
Who, you? Never! Juwan, you've got to pull yourself together.
(Jon Kimble, in his final act as Mountaineer, realizes what he must do. He must save Juwan Staten from himself. The man begins to sing. People sort of stare from the pool tables on the other side of the bar.)
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Juwan. Looking so down in the dumps.
Every 'Eer is still rooting, Juwan. Even when taking your lumps.
There's no guard in town as admired as you
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why
No...one's...slick as Juwan!
No one's quick as Juwan!
No one scores after goin' round picks like Juwan!
And no man in the Big 12 can guard him.
Perfect, a pure Huggs' Point Guard.
You can ask any Dev, Nate, or Gary and they'd tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!
NO ONE SOARS LIKE JUWAN!
NO ONE SCORES LIKE JUWAN!
NO ONE BREAKS ANKLES OR SENDS GUYS TO THE FLOOR LIKE JUWAN!
As a lottery pick, my draft stock's inflating!
My, what a guy, Juwan!
Give five "Let's Go's!"
Give twelve "Go 'Eers!"
Juwan is the best and the rest are in tears!
No one fights like Juwan
Shoots out lights like Juwan
No one keeps coaches up at nights like Juwan!
For there's no one who passes so crisply
As you see I've got assists to spare.
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
And my dunks on a fast break are beyond compare.
No one has wits like Juwan
Never quits like Juwan
When he's doubled-teamed, nobody splits like Juwan!
I'm especially good when I'm penetrating!
TWO POINTS FOR JUWAN!
When I'm in the gym I take four dozen shots
Ev'ry morning to help out my game
And then every night I take five dozen shots
So the rest of the Big 12 looks lame!
OH, AHHH, WOW!
MY, WHAT A GUY, JUWAN!
NO ONE DUNKS LIKE JUWAN!
SCHOOLS THEM PUNKS LIKE JUWAN!
Then brings the 'Eers out of their funks like Juwan!
I USE MUSKETS IN ALL OF MY DECORATING!
MY, WHAT A GUY, JUWAAAAAAAAAAAAN