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The Smoking Musket's 10-Point Plan To Clean Up Mountaineer Nation

Guys, we've gotten quite the black eye in the press over the past two days.  A great win over a long-time rival was completely overshadowed by the senseless acts of a few.  Still, though it was a very small minority of troublemakers, steps must be taken to clean up the WVU Coliseum so similar behavior no longer occurs.

Luckily, the think-tank that is The Smoking Musket stayed up all night, brainstorming about ways to show West Virginia University and Mountaineer fans in a more positive light nationwide.  These suggestions were not come to lightly, so please read carefully and provide thoughtful feedback in the comments.  We owe it ourselves to take these matters seriously.

OK, here we go...

  • If you are caught throwing any item on to the court, you will be immediately ejected from the building, and 5th Year Senior gets to sleep with your girlfriend.
  • Mild sedatives and tranquilizers will be added to all concession stand items.
  • Playing of song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" will be banned as it causes Jay Jacobs to become rabid and unstable.

  • When chant of "Kar-en Sy-pher" starts among students, plants in each section will drown it out with a chant of "Mi-chelle Phei-ffer," star of the hit movie Dangerous Minds.  No Coolio will be played, however, as rap music promotes loitering and vandalism.
  • Instead of "Eat Shit Pitt," new kid-friendly cheer of "Digest Feces University of Pittsburgh" will be strongly encouraged.
  • Introduce sliding scale of punishment for profanity. 1st offense: private berating by Huggins.  2nd offense: two minutes on Huggins' treadmill of death.  3rd offense: YMCA guy sits on you for rest of the game. 
  • 5th Year Senior will be required to attend all games barefoot, as it will keep him from throwing his shoes at referees and opposing coaches.
  • Students must now operate on the buddy system, similar to 1st grade field trips.  If a buddy is not available, students must be accompanied by a parent or guardian, just like at PG-13 movies.
  • Before entering the Coliseum, all students must answer three questions (Monty Python-style).  If they get the answers correct, they may enter. Question #1: Did Hot Rod Hundley wear #44?  #2: Does Pitt eat anything other than shit?  #3: Did you use hair gel or axe body spray before the game?  If they answered yes to any of these questions, they are from New Jersey and will not be allowed to enter.
  • Lastly, if you are wear a West "Fucking" Virginia t-shirt to any WVU sporting event, you will be ushered into the bathroom where you will serve as the urinal for that day's home game.