We're always happy to have guest columnists here at The Smoking Musket. Today, consider ourselves lucky to be hearing from Karen in Morgantown (listen here). Enjoy.
Bill Stewart is a loyal man. In my book, there is no greater quality in a head coach than loyalty. Certainly not winning. Or avoiding losses. Or recruiting. Loyalty is my sole measuring stick and should be the same for the rest of the country.
Really, the more I think about it, the entire scoring system of football should be reconfigured to reward the proper amounts of loyalty. And when I say the proper amounts of loyalty, I really mean that you can't have too much loyalty. Since Bill Stewart is a loyal man, WVU would be immediately awarded 15-20 points at the start of each game. This would properly reflect how good Bill Stewart is as a coach, since he is very loyal. Loyalty.
Dana Holgorsen, on the other hand, would not have any points added to his scores. He is not loyal. In fact, if his offenses score too much in any game, points will actually be deducted because it's rude to achieve such success. Points are crass and not at all loyal. All points forfeited will then be dispersed around the college football landscape to other loyal yet unsuccessful coaches, much like carbon credits. To denote these loyalty points, gold star stickers will be used. If no gold stars are available, potential replacements include scratch-and-sniff strawberries and Mr. Yuk, the poison control mascot. These will be the symbols of loyalty and loyalness and other made up words with loyal in them.
Personally, I think this small change in the way college football does business is a huge step in the right direction. Finally, tyrants like Nick Saban will finally be put in their place. Meanwhile, bastions of loyalty and all things loyalty related will be hoisted a top the pedestal of the sport, which will have its TV contract usurped by competitive eating and men's beach volleyball, very loyal sports in my book of loyalty.
Sincerely,
Karen In Morgantown
PS: In other news, I will be starting a Loyalty in College Coaching Museum, which will be located off Route 19 in Osage. It will be open weekdays from 10-4 with the gift shop staying open until 4:30. Make sure to swing by and pick up your official loyalty gold star sticker for that special someone in your life. Let's just hope they're loyal and not your ex-husband, who wasn't loyal at all except to Trina the waitress at Garfield's. What a whore.