clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Dr. Holliday or: How I Loved To Stop Worrying And Love Recruiting

The Smoking Musket was privileged to follow along new Marshall head coach Doc Holliday on his latest recruiting visit. Here, we get to see just how the star recruiter is managing to sell high school kids on the advantages of Huntington.

want to welcome you, potential star recruit, to Marshall University and the city of Huntington, the best town in the world.

Yo coach, I've never heard about Huntington. Can you tell me a little about it?

Sure, son. Huntington was founded in 1870 on the bank of the Ohio River, which helped give it its nickname of The River City. Huntington has been the notable home of sport stars OJ Mayo and Patrick Patterson, as well as coach Jim Grobe at Wake Forest. Not to mention the fact that I grew up just down the interstate.

Yo coach, sounds like a cool town, but it gets a bad rap nationally. Is that true?

No, not at all. Huntington has been unfairly slandered in the press. It is absolutely not a violently dangerous or morbidly obese town at all. I guarantee you that.

Yo coach, I found these 2 cheeseburgers on the ground. What should I do with them?

Son, we need you to bulk up to be ready for conference season. You take those random cheeseburgers lying on the ground and do what every red-blooded, blocked artery Huntingtonian would do and eat them whole.

Yo coach, I found these 7 prostitutes. What should I do with them?

Son, those aren't prostitutes, those are our cheerleaders. They may look just like prostitutes, and cheap ones at that, but the difference is you don't have to pay to sleep with them. I recruited you because you're a social, well-adjusted guy. You take those cheerleaders and you have yourself a little party, OK?

Yo coach, these 4 fat women are trying to eat me. What should I do?

Son, run. Seriously, run. I recruited you for your amazing 40 time for this very reason. They may look slow, but when they're hungry, you have to be on your game. You can bring your A game, right son? We demand that here at Marshall.

Yo coach, I found these 2 AK-47s on the ground. What should I do with them?

Son, you need to take those AK-47's, hide them, and break them out during the WVU game -- straight up Last Boy Scout style. Noel Devine starts to break another 70+ yard run, pop a cap in his ass. Judging by the last few years, that's the only way to stop them. That's why I am recruiting you, son, because I know you're handy with the steel, if you know what I mean.

Yo coach, I found this dead body on the ground. What should I do with it?

Son, walk away. I don't care how that dead body got there, but walk away. Next time you "find" a dead body, you call the number on the back of this business card and we'll get it "taken care of," OK? I recruited you for your decision making son, and this was a big first test.

Yo coach, I found these 4 crack rocks on the ground. What should I do with them?

Son, you take those crack rocks, sell them for a huge profit, and buy about a hundred cheeseburgers for those fat bitches that were chasing you. We need you to think quick on your feet, son. In Huntington, slinging rock and avoiding fatties is a huge part of that.

Yo coach, I think I am going to like it here in Huntington.