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Bill Stewart: Master Ventriloquist

Scene: Deep inside the secret bunker located below the Puskar Center, Coach Bill Stewart and Equipment Manager Dan Nehlen meet again, just as they did before last year's Meineke Car Care Bowl......

It's been a tough week for me Dandy Dan. I'm glad I have you here to talk to.

No worries, sir. You've had some slip-ups, but you're still the head coach.

Yes, I am! And speaking of those slip-ups, I think I have the perfect solution.

Wait, not the time machine again, right? We all know how that ended.

No, Dan, not the time machine.

I see your eyebrows have finally grown back...

That was an accident, daggummit. Could've happened to anyone. And I have something better than the time machine.

OK, Bill, what is it?

I'm glad you asked. I am going to be a ventriloquist.

Hmm, that's not a bad idea.....wait, what?

A ventriloquist. It's someone that speaks through a whimsical dummy.

[mumbles] I think I know a whimsical dummy.

What'd you say Dan?

Nothing, sir. So why a ventriloquist?

Well, I like to mouth the words secretly during press conferences, so I am going to use this dummy here to make it seem more legit.

Sir, that's the opposite of a ventriloquist.

Don't get caught up in details. Here, look, I have been practicing.

Oh God.


Sir, I can't hear you.


Sir, I see your mouth moving but you actually have to make the sounds, the dummy won't do it for you.


[mumbles] I can't tell which one's the dummy.

What'd you say Dan?

Nothing, sir.