- I have declined to accept public financing. With my legions of supporters and my adept skills at embezzlement, funding for the campaign should be plentiful. I also plan on robbing elderly women and orphanages.
- As of right now, I am running unopposed. I am always on the lookout for some opponent to start running television or radio ads, but I haven't seen anything yet. Either they're too scared or they're planning some sneak smear attack. Either way, me and my army of zombies will be ready. Which brings me to...
- I have assembled an army of zombies. And not just any zombies, former Mountaineer basketball zombies. Guys like Leon Agnew, LeVon Lamb, Steve Berger, Jeremy Bodkin, and Tom Beynon may have been long forgotten by Mountaineer faithful, but they will be the centerpieces of my campaign. As zombies. I mean, mostly they'll just be registering people to vote and handing out bumper stickers, but if any opponent crosses me -- watch out! Zombie attack!
OK, so you're pretty much up to date on the campaign. We can now turn our attention to unveiling more of my platform...
- I vow to hire any and all new Mountaineer coaches drunk in a hotel room well past midnight. People were angry that HCBS was hired in this manner, but that's just because it was inconsistent with the normal practice of sober and thoughtful. If I was drunk all the time -- which I was planning on anyway -- that kind of hiring wouldn't look so stupid. It would just be Charley being Charley.
- An even larger jumbotron will be installed at the Coliseum to compensate for my 5th Year Senior's tiny penis.
- Secretly replacing Dave Wannstedt with newly unemployed Tommy Bowden, meaning he keeps bringing in great recruiting classes, winning one big game a year where you can't fire him, but ultimately disappoints over the entire season. Oh wait, he already does that. Nevermind. But you have to admit, it would be cool to see Tommy Bowden with a mustache.
- Have Bob Huggins coach both basketball and football. And women's cross country. And he'd be the Mountaineer. And Governor. And a male cheerleader. And my roommate. Even with all those responsibilities, he'd still beat Syracuse by more than 11.