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Seriously, Why Can't They All Be 'Nova Girls?

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First off, let's meet our author. This is Emmett Fitzpatrick:

Looks decent enough. From outside Chicago, so I have no beef there. Though he is an English major, so we should go into this thinking that just touching a girl's leg is an accomplishment.

The reason we're meeting our boy Emmett is because he wrote a piece for the Villanova student newspaper entitled, "I wish they all could be Villanova girls." (This is what you find when you're looking for hump day material.) I was intrigued enough to read the entire thing. Now, I kind of wish that I hadn't.

Here are some excerpts on just why, exactly, Mr. Fitzpatrick wants all girls to be "Villanova girls:"

First, a little background on this article. I happened to be wearing a Villanova T-shirt at Wrigley Field last summer when a boy came up to me and told me that he was starting his freshman year in the fall. After a little small talk, he asked me, "What are the girls like?" My immediate response was, "Awesome. You won't be disappointed." It was a simple answer to a seemingly simple question, but I thought about it often over the rest of the summer. What are the girls really like here at 'Nova?

OK, so they're awesome. Awesome! I'm sufficiently pumped. And even though I have never really expected the girls at a private, Catholic university in the Northeast to be "awesome," I am willing to keep an open mind.

We've all heard the stereotypes of Villanova girls. They're white, attractive, come from wealthy families and think they deserve anything and everything they've gotten. The male population labels them as snobbish and, more importantly, prudes.

How have Villanova girls earned such a reputation? Let me give you an example. A drunk guy sees an attractive girl at a party. He goes up to talk to her, only to have the girl completely shut him down, as if to say, "Why would I ever to talk to you?" The guy will then go back to his friends and say something to the effect of, "God … Villanova girls are so snobbish … and prudes!"
I hate to disagree with you, Emmett, but this is the opposite of awesome. This actually sounds pretty downright miserable. This is EXACTLY what I thought girls at a private, Catholic university in the Northeast would be like.

And I'm guessing the guys don't go back to their other drunk friends and use words like "snobbish" and "prudes." I'm guessing it's more like "bitch" and "cunt."

First, there are the girls that embody the school-wide stereotype that I mentioned earlier. They have a great figure, wear all the stylish outfits, drive expensive cars and are leaders of so-called prestigious organizations on campus. They drink - sometimes in excess but mostly just enough to get enough of a "buzz" to take pictures with their gorgeous friends.

I have never heard of such excitement. I went to the #1 party school in America for seven years and never once did I encounter girls that seemed so awesome. I am overwhelmed by the awesomeness of these girls. Overwhelmed.

Next are the girls who try to be a part of the aforementioned category, but for whatever reason cannot quite meet the necessary requirements. Maybe they've put on a few pounds since freshman year; maybe they got denied by some popular clubs or maybe they drink to excess on a regular basis. If these girls are smart, they will stop caring about the first category and learn to enjoy themselves. Once they do this, they are the best girls to be around on campus - still just as attractive as the first group without being as pretentious.

See, now our boy Emmett has the right idea: he's fucking fat chicks. But, so to save his ego, he's calling them "just as attractive as the first group without being as pretentious." Sure, Emmett, sure. There's a reason they didn't get into those clubs. It's because they're either fat, ugly, poor, or all three. Poor is tolerable. Fat and ugly are not.

For all of the negative stereotypes that are commonly heard about Villanova girls, most of the guys I interviewed had positive things to say about them.

Senior Ken Petkunas used the word "delightful" to describe Villanova girls, while sophomore Bob Quitadamo called them "classy, sophisticated and damn hot." Bob also asked me to list his phone number in this column, though, so you should probably take his comment with a grain of salt.

Perhaps senior Chris Thomas put it best when he said, "Villanova girls are like pineapples: interesting to look at, yet callous on the outside, but sweet on the inside."
I would like to think senior Chris Thomas didn't say it best when he uttered the gayest description of all-time. Senior Ken Petkunas didn't do too much better (seriously, "delightful?"). At least sophomore Bob Quitadamo got the word "hot" in his description. That's a step in the right direction.

To illustrate the difference between WVU and Villanova, I asked a male WVU student to describe the girls here in Morgantown. Here is that transcript:

hot holy fucking shit hot easy hot hot bang smokin' hot no clothes body shots short shorts hot sex blow jobs hot sororostitutes hot bitches easy hot threesome fuck hot tired now

I know, I couldn't have said it better myself. But poor Emmett still likes his "Nova girls.

When I talk to my older brothers, all Villanova graduates, about the girls here, they usually tell me to "enjoy it while it lasts." They tell me that the real world isn't full of Villanova girls. For my money, that's a damn shame.

What, the real world isn't full of snobbish, prudish women who don't put out? Surely, you jest.

NOTE: I apologize for bringing everyone down, especially on the holiest of all WBGV days. Expect a true Hump Day! post later this afternoon.