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Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Syracuse andNorthwestern Play "Football"

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Syracuse and Northwestern open their respective seasons this Saturday, playing a game that could end the very existence of college football. Here is a list of things I would rather do than watch that game, as if the post title wasn't descriptive enough:

  • Have sex with the girl on the right.

  • Colonoscopy.

  • Help Rich Rodriguez move.

  • Accept Dave Wannstedt's invitation for a mustache ride.

  • Watch Ohio @ Wyoming.

  • Actually care what MGoBlog has to say about Mountaineer football.

  • Extra colonoscopy, just for fun.

  • Naked pillow fight with Pam Ward.

  • Let Pat McAfee kick me in the nuts.

  • Watch Illinois State @ Marshall.

  • Drive Rich Rodriguez to the airport.

  • Intentionally expose myself to harmful carcinogens (though, it could be argued that Syracuse vs. Northwestern is a harmful carcinogen).

  • Not have sex with Erin Andrews.

  • Watch James Madison @ Duke.

  • Water Rich Rodriguez's plants while he's on the road.

  • Third colonoscopy, this time without any anesthetic.

  • Enroll in classes at Pitt.

  • Dry hump a 2x4 full of splinters.

  • Commit seppuku, a Japanese form of ritualistic suicide by disembowelment.

  • Attend a NAMBLA meeting.

  • Poke my own eye out with my 1998 Insight Bowl commemorative lapel pin.

  • Masturbate to Brazilian fart porn.

Please, feel free to add your own in the comments.