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Crystal Ball Of Fun

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There are only sixty-five days until the season begins and preseason prognostications are flying in from publications across the nation. Everyone from Pat Forde to stupid SEC fans wearing jean shorts have an opinion of what will happen this upcoming season. I've been in hiding these last few weeks crunching the numbers, punching babies, and doing copious amounts of barbiturates to come up with some predictions for upcoming season.

If you hate lists then this is not something you want to read. If you can't read lists you graduated from Auburn. And finally, if it burns when you pee and your wife beats you, then you graduated from Pitt.

Enough of the nonsense and on to my predictions which always make me look like an idiot.


Touchdown Jesus (TJ) will leave South Bend and permanently plant himself in the Puskar Center: Yes, Notre Dame will suck again and not make a bowl game. That means TJ will be looking for a place closer to home and what better place than Almost Heaven.


I will get in a fight with an SEC fan at some point this season: I have lived down here about two months now and good lord they are a bunch of cocky SOB's. "We pay our player more than you and our players are better at getting arrested for dealing cocaine than yours." Y'all are also better at wearing jean shorts but you skipped over that one.


The Big East will go undefeated against the all-mighty SEC: Not saying we will have the better conference but check the schedules and you will agree with me.


A team from the SEC will NOT play for the BCS national championship title: You heard it here first.


Noel Devine will break Steve Slaton's single season rushing record: Many people seem to be questioning whether Devine can handle a full load because of his size. The question they should be asking is whether defenses will even be able to tackle him.


Pitt will be the biggest disappointment in the Big East AGAIN: Another good recruiting class and another abysmal season will likely lead to a Dave Wanstache firing. This year he does not have Fraud calling a horrible game to save his job.


Pat White will be a Heisman Trophy finalist: I would love to see him be rewarded with the most prestigious trophy in college football but I just don't think it will happen. One of the reasons is that WVU's sports marketing department don't believe in "marketing."


Pictures of hot cheerleaders will not go out of style.


WVU will win the Big East, AGAIN: At this point it is almost getting boring winning so much. This year we may have to complain about being too balanced on offense and only rushing for 200 yards a game. To shake things up we could make half our guys play with their helmets on backwards. To get really loopy we could try to beat South Florida this year.


WVU will not play in the BCS national championship game.