As you've probably seen already, Ed Pastilong is set to retire on July 1,
But, at least for the next week, our attention turns to the next athletic director of this great university. Lots of names have been bandied about, including Mike Parsons and Craig Walker, the two most visible candidates. This short-list, however, ignores the best candidate for the job: Charley West. Yes, that's right, me.
As athletic director, I would accomplish the following:
- Each scholarship football player would receive one designated knight of the roundtable to fight all nightclub fights. The better the player, the better the knight. Noel Devine, obviously, would get Lancelot. Ed Collington, if he were still on the team, would get the knight version of Radio.
- Dome Mountaineer Field at a cost of $125 million. Also, build a money counterfeiting machine.
- Jamie Smalligan will be publicly flogged to mark both the winter and summer solstice, as well as Flag Day.
- To honor its namesake and to increase ticket revenue, the Coliseum will host gladiator fights every Friday night. On a good day, only 50-60 people will die.
- Major Harris will be permanently displayed outside of the south gate at Mountaineer Field. A statue, you say? No, the real Major Harris.
- Never play Marshall in football again.
- Perlo Bastien will be appointed associate AD. He will promptly blow a key assignment, take the fall for something I did, and serve 18 months in minimum security prison.
- Using the aforementioned counterfeiting machine, assemble our own billion dollar paramilitary force, allowing us to run midnight bombing raids on Pitt's campus and, more specifically, Dave Wannstedt's house.
So, when you go to the polls in 2010, remember your good friend Charley West. I have fantastic vision, only embezzle a little, and promise not to lie about any blow jobs I may or may not receive while in office.