This is bad. This is really, really bad. How the hell am I going to get out of this one? The Krag has certainly gotten himself into quite the fuckin' pickle.
Think Krag, think. Brainstorm. OK, we're brainstorming. Saying anything that comes to my mind.
Fuck, this is hard. Wait, maybe I'll burn the stadium down. Hell yeah, if there's no stadium, there's no games. And if there's no games, there's no losses. This can't fail. Best. Idea. Ever.
Wait, if I burn the stadium down, they'll probably want to arrest me for arson. Damn, there's always a catch. Stupid felonies always fucking things up. And there's no way The Krag is going to prison. I hear there are homosexuals in prison. Yuck. I'll be damned if I drop the soap and my whole perspective on life changes. No way. Krag loves the ladies, not men.
OK, keep thinking.
Shit, still thinking about prison showers. Damn.
Maybe I'll just go back to Tulsa. Yeah...I see coaches doing that all the time time. Dan Dakich went from Bowling Green to WVU back to Bowling Green. Rick Majerus did the same thing with a buffet table and USC. Why can't I do it? The Krag should be able to have second thoughts.
But those guys never actually coached a game at their new schools. Shit, I didn't even think about that. I've coached like 3 games at Louisville. You think they'll let me out of my contract? Eh, probably not.
What if I just don't show up for games. I could have my wife write a note. Like I'm sick. That might work. Probably only for one game, though. After that I'd probably have to have cancer or the gout or Lou Gehrig's disease or something. Too risky. I want people to just think I'm dead, not actually be dead.
Well, I guess I could always just end it. I wonder how high that bridge over the Ohio is? It better be pretty high, I don't want to just break both my legs. They'd probably make me keep coaching if that happened.
Oh well, who cares. Fuck them, I'm still getting paid. I'm their problem.
(Editor's Note: the first installment of The Kragthorpe Diaries can be found here.)