When I heard our game was being moved to noon to accomodate ESPN or ESPN2, I could only think of one thing: Pam Ward. And there is no good way to think of Pam Ward. And now, since the game was being moved, we had a 50% shot of her ruining our game.
Then, even worse news: our game was indeed on ESPN2 at noon. That is where the beast Pam Ward fucking lives. The noon ESPN2 time slot is her lair. No one enters and leaves alive. Look what happened to the Mountaineers against Marshall in the first half? Pam Ward fucking shut us down. Pat "Ken" McAfee knows what I'm talking about. So did Rasheed "Wallace" Marshall. All had little chance.
But then, a miracle. A reprieve, if you will. I heard six of the most beautiful words my ears had ever heard: Dave Pasch, Andre Ware, Erin Andrews. Oh thank the good Lord. Because of this news, September 22nd will no longer be the day that I commit suicide. Instead, it will be the day that I watch a Mountaineer football game. Actually, it doesn't matter since I will be at the game, but I still would've committed suicide in honor of those who were forced to endure the national nightmare that is Pam Ward.
And since we're not plagued by Ward that is Pam, I am declaring today a festival of chicks hotter than he/she. Significantly hotter.
Whoops, not sure how that last one got in there.
Fuck it, he's still dreamy.