That's right, the campaign wages on (previous installments can be found here and here). First, a few updates:

• I have declined to accept public financing. With my legions of supporters and my adept skills at embezzlement, funding for the campaign should be plentiful. I also plan on robbing elderly women and orphanages.


• As of right now, I am running unopposed. I am always on the lookout for some opponent to start running television or radio ads, but I haven't seen anything yet. Either they're too scared or they're planning some sneak smear attack. Either way, me and my army of zombies will be ready. Which brings me to...


• I have assembled an army of zombies. And not just any zombies, former Mountaineer basketball zombies. Guys like Leon Agnew, LeVon Lamb, Steve Berger, Jeremy Bodkin, and Tom Beynon may have been long forgotten by Mountaineer faithful, but they will be the centerpieces of my campaign. As zombies. I mean, mostly they'll just be registering people to vote and handing out bumper stickers, but if any opponent crosses me -- watch out! Zombie attack!

OK, so you're pretty much up to date on the campaign. We can now turn our attention to unveiling more of my platform...

1. I vow to hire any and all new Mountaineer coaches drunk in a hotel room well past midnight. People were angry that HCBS was hired in this manner, but that's just because it was inconsistent with the normal practice of sober and thoughtful. If I was drunk all the time -- which I was planning on anyway -- that kind of hiring wouldn't look so stupid. It would just be Charley being Charley.


2. An even larger jumbotron will be installed at the Coliseum to compensate for my 5th Year Senior's tiny penis.


3. Secretly replacing Dave Wannstedt with newly unemployed Tommy Bowden, meaning he keeps bringing in great recruiting classes, winning one big game a year where you can't fire him, but ultimately disappoints over the entire season. Oh wait, he already does that. Nevermind. But you have to admit, it would be cool to see Tommy Bowden with a mustache.


4. Have Bob Huggins coach both basketball and football. And women's cross country. And he'd be the Mountaineer. And Governor. And a male cheerleader. And my roommate. Even with all those responsibilities, he'd still beat Syracuse by more than 11.

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A couple months ago, as some of you may remember, I officially launched my grassroots campaign for Athletic Director of WVU. It was always going to be an uphill battle, but as a simple country boy -- you might say a cockeyed optimist -- I figured I had as good a chance as any.

You may even remember some of my campaign platforms:

1. Each scholarship football player would receive one designated knight of the roundtable to fight all nightclub fights. The better the player, the better the knight. Noel Devine, obviously, would get Lancelot. Ed Collington, if he were still on the team, would get the knight version of Radio.

3. Jamie Smalligan will be publicly flogged to mark both the winter and summer solstice, as well as Flag Day.

5. Major Harris will be permanently displayed outside of the south gate at Mountaineer Field. A statue, you say? No, the real Major Harris.

Well, thanks to the shenanigans surrounding the Garrison regime, my chances just got a little better.

You see, Craig Walker, Garrison's chief of staff, was seen as the front runner in the AD derby. Well, the tarnish on this administration -- at least right now -- has him dropping behind in the polls. And when I say polls, I mean random numbers I am assigning to potential candidates in my head.

Well, the latest polls are out and you'll never guess who's leading -- that's right, me -- Charley freaking West. (I was as surprised as you, which is weird considering I'm the one making all this up.)

As the newly crowned front runner, I figured it was time to transition my campaign and its platforms. No longer would I have to propose outlandish plans to get attention. Now, I can focus on big-picture, practical ideas. Like expanding the PRT to the soon-to-be-built "Charley West Memorial College Residence, Museum, and Amusement Park," to be located at Price and Fife, where I lived my sophomore and junior year. (FYI, tours would run Tuesday-Saturday, closed on all major holidays.)

Here are some of my other totally awesome new proposals:

Start providing the Mountaineer with live ammunition. That way, any standout opposing players can be quickly neutralized. Also, a silencer might be a good idea. And probably a getaway car with a safehouse nearby.

Pat White will be cloned every four years starting immediately after this season. So people don't catch on to our master plan, each clone will be given different name -- like Matt White. Or Pat Dwight. You know, something clever to throw people off.

Dwight Yoakam will never step foot inside Mountaineer Field. Unless, of course, he wants to reenact his scene from Wedding Crashers. Though, if he tries to sing or perform, the Mountaineer and his new silencer will be waiting for him.

We will never play Marshall in football. I can not stress this enough.

New cheerleading uniforms will look less like this...

...and a lot more like this...

Though the actual cheerleaders will be just as easy.

So, now do I have your vote? Yeah, I thought so.

[Thanks to Michael M. for the headline idea]

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As you've probably seen already, Ed Pastilong is set to retire on July 1, 2046 2010. At that point, he'll stay on for another 13 2 years to tutor his successor. This is very big news, especially since we can enjoy it for another 2+ years. Really savor it. Or get bored with it, forget about it, and then remember it a year down the road.

But, at least for the next week, our attention turns to the next athletic director of this great university. Lots of names have been bandied about, including Mike Parsons and Craig Walker, the two most visible candidates. This short-list, however, ignores the best candidate for the job: Charley West. Yes, that's right, me.

As athletic director, I would accomplish the following:

1. Each scholarship football player would receive one designated knight of the roundtable to fight all nightclub fights. The better the player, the better the knight. Noel Devine, obviously, would get Lancelot. Ed Collington, if he were still on the team, would get the knight version of Radio.


2. Dome Mountaineer Field at a cost of $125 million. Also, build a money counterfeiting machine.


3. Jamie Smalligan will be publicly flogged to mark both the winter and summer solstice, as well as Flag Day.


4. To honor its namesake and to increase ticket revenue, the Coliseum will host gladiator fights every Friday night. On a good day, only 50-60 people will die.


5. Major Harris will be permanently displayed outside of the south gate at Mountaineer Field. A statue, you say? No, the real Major Harris.


6. Never play Marshall in football again.


7. Perlo Bastien will be appointed associate AD. He will promptly blow a key assignment, take the fall for something I did, and serve 18 months in minimum security prison.


8. Using the aforementioned counterfeiting machine, assemble our own billion dollar paramilitary force, allowing us to run midnight bombing raids on Pitt's campus and, more specifically, Dave Wannstedt's house.

So, when you go to the polls in 2010, remember your good friend Charley West. I have fantastic vision, only embezzle a little, and promise not to lie about any blow jobs I may or may not receive while in office.

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