Oliver Luck Stepping Down; More Changes Afoot

Efforts to balance the WVU athletic budget are behind the move.

In a shocking development that has come to light in just the last couple of hours, it appears that West Virginia University Director of Athletics Oliver Luck has stepped down and will be replaced by interim director Mike Parsons. The move appears to be just one of a collection of sweeping shifts by the university's athletic department aimed at walking back many of the historic changes that have transformed the WVU landscape in the past several months.

Rumors are flying as to what those changes will be, but longtime columnist Mickey Furfari, as the man who seems to have the inside scoop on this, has provided some insight into what Mountaineer fans could expect:

  • Beer sales at Milan Puskar Stadium will cease. Fans will instead be accommodated by "chug and cheer" patios outside each entrance where they will be provided funnels and clean towels and given special permission to bong as many beers as possible before entrance into the stadium. The area is BYOB and all funnels must be NCAA approved funnels with approved logo as provided by the university.
  • The recently-reached Tier 3 WVU broadcast rights agreement which included radio broadcast and games against FCS squads has been terminated. Eschewing the estimated $3 million yearly income those rights were expected to bring to the university, rights will instead by parceled out per and sold individually at an auction to be held at the residence of philanthropist John Raese. WVU radio broadcast rights will be handled separately from the rest of the package, with the rights provided to a contractor free of charge and awarded based on a drawing from folded up pieces of paper in a hat.
  • The gold jerseys will be burned. The gray jerseys will be used to put out the flames and then used to wrap the ashes which will be collected, placed in a trunk and sunk to the deepest depths of the Monongahela River. All those who transport and dispose of said trunk will be executed so that the whereabouts of said jerseys will never be known or found. We will all forget they ever happened.
  • Ribbon boards at Milan Puskar Stadium will be replaced with cool homemade sheet banners similar to what fans were accustomed to seeing in the 1980's before college football got all corporate. Banners will be spray-painted with really horribly humorous caricatures of guys and made only for guys like Darryl Talley, Ron Wolfley and Major Harris because they were awesome.
  • The HD video board in the south end of Milan Puskar Stadium will be replaced by an old fashioned hand operated scoreboard because it is "easier to read"
  • Rumors abound that head football Coach Dana Holgorsen has suddenly found himself in hot water as it's thought that he could find his offense subjected to "maximum passing yardage regulations and minimums on punts." He could not be reached for extensive comment, but when informed of Luck's decision via phone, he responded, "That sucks, man."

In the most dramatic of the changes, WVU will allegedly be seeking to leave the Big 12 and instead for a "loosely connected confederation of shared sporting interests" with the University of Connecticut, Cincinnati and possibly some renegade MAC programs (Toledo and Miami of Ohio are on the rumored short lists). Chatter also abounds that a petition will be submitted to the new Big East "Catholic Seven" league to request membership. One tale even went so far as to suggest a private charter had been sent to the Vatican to lobby Pope Francis for his support, citing "10s of 100s of rabid Mountaineer Catholics" who would embrace the move.

The story is developing, so we at the Smoking Musket will keep you advised as to any developments and would recommend you refresh Mickey Furfari's column page every 5 minutes to keep up on the latest.

Mickey_medium

Remain Calm and Happy April 1st.

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