WVU 2011 Football Season Preview: 80's Movies Edition

We're all West Virginia fans here.  We've all read every single link WVUIE97 provides in the Shotgun/Throwdown.  Twice.  We all know about the major story lines facing this year's team---coaching turnover, Geno Smith's Heisman potential, Ryan Nehlen's ascention to starting receiver, offensive line issues, Tyler Bitancurt's quest to regain his form from freshman year.  We all got our season tickets in the mail this week and started mapping out trips to away games.  We all have been hiding in the bushes behind the Puskar Center trying to get Burce Irvin's autograph on the authentic jersey we bought with our allowance last week.  Ok, maybe that's just me.

But the point is, there's really nothing more I can add to the universe of WVU season previews that is going to be any different than what we've seen a thousand times before.  Oh sure, I can pull numbers out of my hat and try to predict the scores and what our record will be.  Anyone can do that.  So I'm going to do something a little different.  Something that's never been done before.  Except maybe by Andy Staples, who kind of inspired this idea.  Rather than provide a mundane analysis of each game, I'm going to compare the game to an 80's movie.  Action, adventure, comedy, drama, bad special effects...80's movies had them all, often not even on purpose.  Such will be the 2011 WVU football season.  So sit back with your lads, grab some popcorn, kiss your bride and enjoy the show:

September 4 - Marshall: Back to the Future Part 2 - Last year's 24-21 OT win in Huntington was an aberration.  This year's season opener represents the Mountaineers' chance to go back and, driven by the mad-scientist-genius of Dana Holgorsen playing the role of Doc, make everything right again by hanging half-a-hundred on the Herd.  Doc Holliday cameos as Biff who, despite having a wealth of insider information, somehow manages to always screw it all up at the end.  WVU 56, Marshall 17

September 10 - Norfolk State:  Ferris Bueller's Day Off - This game should be a laugher the whole way, with Geno, Tavon, and the first team defense getting most of the second half off.  Sure, some parts might look a little goofy as the Mounties acclimate to the new offensive scheme, but critics and fans alike should come away pleased with the effort.  WVU 42, Norfolk State 3

September 17 - @ Maryland:  Karate Kid - Byrd Stadium will be the place where everything finally clicks for Geno and company.  All the drills, all the practice, all the conditioning will finally pay off against a quality opponent who has given WVU fits in the past (2001-03) and recently (Randy Edsall at UConn last year).  The going won't be easy at first, and WVU may struggle out of the gate in the first true road game of the year, but the second half will be an offensive orchestration to behold as WVU pulls away late.  WVU 35, Maryland 21

September 24 - LSU:  Rocky III - Beaten and bruised against a bigger, more physical opponent (Clubber Lang) in the first matchup, WVU (Rocky) got a new trainer (Holgorsen) and got itself into the best physical shape of its life.  It will certainly be an epic battle under the lights at Mountaineer Field, especially if Clubber is still the reigning champ (undefeated) after beating Oregon and Mississippi State in its first two games.  The heavyweights will exchange blows, but the good guys land one last punch to previal in the end.  WVU 28, LSU 27

October 1 - Bowling Green:  Predator - In honor of Bruce Irvin, of course.  Irvin will be a one-man wrecking crew against an overmatched Falcons line, breaking the WVU single-game record with 5 sacks as BGSU struggles to come back against the Mountaineer onslaught.  WVU 45, BGSU 9

October 8 - UConn:  Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi - The Empire scored an important victory in the previous episode as fumbles and an anemic offense doomed the powerful Mountaineers (Jedi).  No more.  Infused with new life and unbelievable new Jedi skills (new offense), the Mountaineers return to exact revenge on their newfound nemesis.  WVU 33, UConn 13

October 21 - @ Syracuse:  Friday the 13th - What WVU thought was a one-time nightmare returns for a sequel as the Orange again put a damper on WVU's quest for a Big East title.  Syracuse blitz packages continue to rattle Geno Smith and a raucous crowd in the Carrier Dome carries the Orange to its second-consecutive upset.  Syracuse 27, WVU 20

October 29 - @ Rutgers:  Ghostbusters - This Halloween classic should be fun for the whole family.  The Scarlet Knights are overmateched by the Mountaineer weaponry from the start, but the good guys' buffoonery allows them to hang around long enough to put the outcome in doubt.  In the end, WVU realizes that Greg Schiano (the Marshmallow Man) is just one big soft puffy piece of candy and blows the whole thing to smithereens.  WVU 38, Rutgers 28

November 5 - Louisville:  Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - Charlie Strong has the Cardinals on the rise and is poised to give WVU everything it can handle in the latest of a series of epic sequels.  The game will be packed with action and adventure, twists and turns, and enough drama to keep viewers on the edge of their seats til the end.  WVU 30, Louisville 24

November 12 - @ Cincinnati:  Batman - Ordinary man-turned-superhero Dana Holgorsen takes on a nuisance (The Joker/Cincinnati) who has been recently terrorizing the city (Gotham/Big East).  The evil Joker is really no match for the hero, who is clearly equipped with more advanced weaponry, more resources, and better looks.  It's worth watching, but nobody is mistaking it for a classic.  WVU 38, Cincinnati 13

November 25 - Pitt:  Top Gun - A high-flying battle between two longtime rivals fraught with smack talking and and plenty of fireworks.  Dana Holgorsen likes to live dangerously, and once the game is securely in hand, he buzzes the tower and keeps running up the score.  Fortunately, no beach volleyball games break out during halftime.  WVU 48, Pitt 28

December 1 - @ USF:  Terminator - Skip Holtz is an evil robot sent back in time to torment WVU.  He gave the Mountaineers fits with his ECU teams, and has USF poised to terminate WVU's hopes of returning to a BCS bowl.  Fortunately for WVU, Dana Holgorsen has been sent back in time to save WVU from that awful fate.  Holgorsen finds enough chinks in USF's armor to bring down the monster.  WVU 24, USF 17


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