The Bill Stewart Fantasy Camp

You may remember Bill Stewart.  He used to coach WVU before assassin for hire, black jack aficionado and registered BAMF Dana Holgorsen became WVU head coach and thrilled us with flashy rides, daredevil stunts and promises of scoring multiple touchdowns in a games. (How brash!!)

But before there was Dana, there was a man named Bill, who people seem to have forgotten as the decades, years, months, weeks and days have passed. Let's see what Ol’ Smilin’ Bill is up to now.

Bill Stewart is now 59 years old and living with his bride in New Martinsville, where he runs a Bill Stewart Fantasy Camp. For the very affordable cost of nothing, you can stay on the banks of the Grand Ohio and live just like Coach Stew. Bill says he doesn’t need the money -- "You can only buy so much hard candy" -- and is just happy to have the chance to teach aspiring Bill Stewarts to be "men of character" and not "characters." He also just enjoys having people spend time with him. He says it gets lonely puttering around the house with nothing to do but clean up the eggs from his house thrown by the neighborhood kids.

Coach Stew provided me with an itinerary of his camp and asked me to pass it along to the readers, in case they were interested.

Sunday

  • 6:00 p.m. Registration and issuance of a bride, to be with you at all times
  • 6:30 p.m. Church service
  • 7:30 p.m. TV time or nap in recliner.  Guests have choice of George Lopez or The Apple Dumpling Gang (volume will be on high, no questions asked)
  • 8:00 p.m. Lights out

Monday

  • 5:00 a.m. Reveille
  • 5:30 a.m. Pledge of Allegiance, National Anthem, You’re a Grand Old Flag, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Navy Hymn and other assorted patriotic songs
  • 6:00 a.m. Breakfast – bran cereal prepared by your bride
  • 7:00 a.m. Knitting a sweater vest to be worn the duration of the camp (choice of white or blue yarn)
  • 10:00 a.m. Supper – meatloaf sandwiches prepared by your bride
  • 10:30 a.m. Nap
  • 12:00 p.m. Lubrication lecture – How to lubricate your community, and with practice, the world
  • 2:00 p.m. Arts and crafts – campers receive a tub of Vaseline and a globe
  • 3:00 p.m. Dinner at Denny’s
  • 4:30 p.m. Free time – Campers choice (yell at neighborhood kids near your lawn, drive Lincoln Town Car without using rear view mirror, talk about how great the world used to be compared to today, or sit in rocking chair on front porch and drink lemonade)
  • 6:30 p.m. Bingo at Magnolia High School
  • 8:00 p.m. Lights Out

Tuesday

  • 5:00 a.m. Wake up to ‘Halo’ by Beyonce
  • 5:30 a.m. Pledge of Allegiance, National Anthem, God Bless America, Battle Hymn of the Republic and other assorted patriotic songs
  • 6:00 a.m. Breakfast – Metamucil prepared by your bride
  • 7:00 a.m. Civil War reenactment
  • 8:30 a.m. Field position pow wow –  Punting inside the opponent's forty, saving timeouts for a rainy day and keeping the wind at your back
  • 10:00 a.m. Supper – Beets, tapioca pudding, sweet tea prepared by your bride
  • 10:30 a.m. Nap
  • 12:00 p.m. Folksy sayings seminar –  How to get young lads to believe in you with colloquial expressions and obscure historical references
  • 1:00 p.m. Game time -- Pin the tail on Ferdinand Foch, Chutes and Ladders
  • 2:00 p.m. Arts and crafts – Whittling
  • 3:00 p.m. Dinner – Cracker Barrel
  • 4:00 p.m. Prank call clinic –  What to say when you get Colin Dunlap and Chuck Landon on the line
  • 5:30 p.m. Headset demonstration -- Finding the on/off button, turning it off and pretending its on
  • 6:30 p.m. Square dancing at Magnolia High School
  • 8:00 p.m. Lights out

Wednesday

  • 5:00 a.m. Wake up to Beach Boys
  • 5:30 a.m. Pledge of Allegiance, National Anthem, Country Roads, The West Virginia Hills, My Home Among the Hills and other assorted West Virginia songs
  • 6:00 a.m. Breakfast – Porridge prepared by your bride
  • 7:00 a.m. Coach Stewart closing lecture -- How to beat South Florida two out of three times
  • 8:00 a.m. Dismissal (a day early)
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