Dear Mountaineer Fan:
I have dutifully read your letter and it was quite a trial. I know you are getting older, but it would help Santa if you could print at least as well as a six year old.
I agree, you were a good boy and you rooted hard for the Mountaineers, However, due to a prior request, it is with my deepest regrets that I cannot honor your Christmas request for a new coach this year.
It seems, the darling bride has heard a rumor of retirement and stated most stridently in her letter that it would be her, “best Christmas ever”, if she did not have, as she put it, “that doddering old fool inflicted upon her constantly ”. I could not in good conscious, disagree. Besides, like her husband, I feel it is best not to get her ire up! I may not be the survivor the husband is. Anticipating your next request, like I told her, “Remember! I am not God, I have no control over life and death.”
I must say, your thought that there is more than that milk and cookies involved in my stopping at her house is completely unwarranted, definitely not nice, and quite possibly naughty. Due to your close proximity, it would be greatly appreciated if you could determine her name. I have been quite discomfited with constantly putting, “To My Darling Bride”, on all her Christmas gifts..
I am also deeply troubled that I cannot grant your second request of possibly replacing some of the other coaches. After mulling about Mullen, and judging from the vast pile of letters from Pittsburgh, Michigan, and Miami, I do not feel there will be a large pool of qualified applicants available this year. As to Johnson, after consulting with the elves, I have been assured that having a Johnson is a good thing and should be kept as long as possible. The elves exact words were, “ the longer the better”.
Thank you for the suggestion of placing ESP stickers on all the Pittsburgh gifts. Your right, I should have thought of this. However, unlike you, I am not positive they will all understand that it stands for: Eat Shit Pitt.
Since I cannot grant your Christmas wishes and rather than just put a lump of coal in your stocking. You will be given a four-month supply of my special North Pole Ale .Do not open until next September. It is quite potent and I feel you may need it to get through the next season. Hopefully, the Luck I sent you this year will be enough.
As always, MERRY CHRISTMAS! Likewise, LETS GOOO MOUNTAINEERS!
Your humble and obedient servant,
P.S. Please do not write me a letter next year. Your writing would undoubtedly be worse than your printing. Ho! Ho! Ho!