Bill Stewart: World Dictator?

Contemplating whether to run Pat White right or Pat White left on 3rd and 6, or concocting a scheme to invade Europe and disrupt Swedish financial networks?  You be the judge.

I'm not into conspiracy theories, but the evidence is too compelling for me to come to any conclusion but this: Bill Stewart is an international terrorist intent on taking over the world and who must be stopped at all cost.  Oh, sure, he might look or even act like a bumbling hilbilly from New Martinsville who has difficulty operating a headset, but that's what he wants you to think.  No, deep down beneath that golly-gee-whiz demeanor is a criminal mastermind hell bent on overthrowing the United Nations and demolishing anyone who dares to interfere with his schemes.

Evidence after the jump.

• Stewart's previous coaching stops include Air Force and VMI, where some of the very best military tactitians in the country are trained.  It was during the 1990's when Coach Stew secretly audited classes at these fine institutions where he learned how to fly stealth aircraft, operate heavy artillary and organize miltary operations using the latest covert, guerrilla tactics. 
• One day after the largest WVU defeat since the 2002 Continental Tire Bowl, Stewart inks a contract that contains a $4 million buyout clause if he's fired by the university.  The only possible explanation for the inclusion of that clause is extortion.  You see, Stew knew that once his plans for world domination became apparent, he would be fired, so he blackmailed Ed Pastilong (with what, I can hardly bare to imagine) into including an enormous buyout that Stew would later use to fund his evil plans and schemes.
• Stewart has an obsession with running a "balanced offensive attack" headed by a man who bears an uncanny resemblence to the T-1000 from Terminator 2:

                              

• According to Stewart, his players are "Dog Soldiers," trained to lay their life on the line for the good of the "tribe":

The lore that inspires Stewart most is the tradition the Dog Soldiers carried out in battle. Each carried a sacred arrow and wore a long sash. Before battle, they would drive the arrow through the sash into the ground. That way, they would stand their ground to the death.

"He would lay his life on the line for his tribe," Stewart said.

Well, in Stewart's way of thinking, star quarterback Pat White is a Dog Soldier.

Soldiers, you say?  Yes, trained fighting machines whose only purpose is to rape, pillage, maim and destroy everything in their path for the good of their leader.  And make no mistake, Stewart has over 100 of these soldiers at his beckon call, ready to strike at a moment's notice:

"I don't want people picking on my coaches, the coaches' families or the players," Stewart said. "You can take every shot you want at me, and I'll hit you right back. I don't want people picking on the Mountaineers."

• Last year before the bowl game, Coach Stew closed a press conference with this ominous warning:

"We've got enough coal in this state to heat the world. We've got enough oil in this state to lubricate the world. We've got enough brains in this state to run the world ... Good evening."

Yet, he later tried to explain away that threat:

What Stewart meant, he said Wednesday, was that, "In West Virginia, we should be proud of what we have. No matter what people say about us, what people write about us, the real Mountaineers should be proud."

And while some tried to attribute the quote to an old performance of Uncle Tom's Cabin, our very own Charley West recognized what Coach Stew actually meant by the comments:  Because West Viriginia possesses these resources, it must naturally take over the world.  Little did we know at the time that Dr. West was onto something. 

• After tiring of these idle threats that have attracted little to no attention by the FBI, CIA, or other intelligence officials, Stewart has decided that it's time for action:

"I told [the players] to turn off the phones, the Nintendos and the Space Stations.''

Limit the attacks to the world's communications infrastructure?  Nay.  Such mass incapacitation would be small potatoes for a man of Stew's cunning.  Not only is he going to take out our phones and satellites, but our Nintendos as well.  With no way to communicate and no video game consoles to occupy their time, what are the children of the world going to do when they're bored?   Does this man have no shame?  No honor? 

The evidence is there.  Military training?  Check.  Funding?  Check.  Trained fighting force?  Check.   Resources?  Check.  Master plan for world domination?  Check.  Hide your loved ones and run for cover! Coach Stew is coming, and he isn't taking any prisoners.

[quotes via the Daily Mail and Charleston Gazette]

[photos via www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com, img457.imageshack.us, media.scout.com]