Although many Big East fans have for awhile suspected somethig amiss going on behind the scenes at member schools South Florida and Connecticut, recent video evidence has confirmed that male athletes at USF and UConn are, in fact, gay. Sources within the conference have been unable to verify that Matt Grothe was admitted to USF despite never having sexual relations of any kind.

In a related story, Connecticut basketball coach Jim Calhoun revealed the real reason behind center Ater Majok declaring for the NBA draft:

"Look, people have been speculating about the reasons behind Ater going pro for awhile now," Calhoun said on his way home from his weekly massage and pedicure. "Now that the cat's out of the bag, I suppose it's okay to let everyone know that he was really afraid of competition. We thought Majok was pretty long after seeing him on film but until you get him in here and measure him up against a team with our size, you really don't know. He just couldn't cut it around here. I mean, have you seen Hasheem Thabeet in the shower?"