This sounds like something I would read here!

This is a copy of an email that I received today. I don't know who originally wrote it but I completely agree with it.

Subject: Marshall Series - A Friend's Response to Doug Schmuck's article yesterday

    A couple years back Doug Schmuck and I exchanged a few inflammatory E-Mails and I was astonished at how juvenile and unprofessional this "professional" scribe was. It was then that I realized the qualifications for employment as a sports writer in this state boiled down to:

(A) Can you hold a pen?

(B) Can your mother get you to work on time?

Answer "yes" to both, it's: "Welcome aboard and this will be your cubicle." Being both a narcissist and paranoid, I took Schmuck's article this morning as a personal challenge. One begging for not only a response laced with fact, but intermingled with some healthy (and quasi-immature) personal barbs that only a total prick can deliver. Yes, I am simply a fictional-inspired asshole who is as abrasive as a Brillo pad on your kneecap. But I'm an unapologetic WVU fan. I make no bones about it and well, I possess no such obligation to present myself professionally.

E-Mail to Doug:

"Your latest WVU obsession smacks of sad desperation. Are you still under this impression that the WVU series cures the Mange, plugs a hole in Al Gore's ozone, feeds the hungry, and stops the flu o' swine? And people wonder why West Virginia is seen as the dumping ground for hack scribes like yourself when they're unqualified to write for meaningful publications.

Really simple from my perspective ............... MU is in no position to dictate ANYTHING to WVU. ECU established a long-standing relationship with WVU that was built up over YEARS of honest dealing, not smear campaigns in the media and other juvenile antics. WVU, much to your slack-jawed chagrin, owns this state. Marshall has dibs on the "Clearance" racks. ECU, boasts a geography conducive to recruiting as well as road exposure to many of our state's transplanted residents.

Sellouts is what I strangely hear. You mean like Wofford, Western Michigan, and Villanova? That's what winning programs do, Doug. They sell tickets to virtually anybody and everybody. Something MU has never been able to do without WVU inside that home of the little yellow cart that callously cripples healthy athletes from Houston.

I feel for bush league programs covered by bush league writers with a face for radio. Unfortunately for your employer, their readers have to occasionally glimpse your mug that looks like the type of neighbor whose house you wouldn't allow your young child to pass by on their way home from school.

But I will say this ......... what astonishes me is this fixation for a football series that, as is becoming increasingly apparent, does little for the state and is so extorted in every sense of the word. If WVU does not care to play Marshall, or vice-versa, that's where it should end. WVU goes their way and MU goes theirs.

But no, it cannot be because Marshall MUST play WVU because it raises money for Africa's mosquito nets and helps us develop the technology to create emergency brakes for the model ski that Sonny Bono was wearing. If only this series had started sooner. In my best Cher voice,"If we could turn back tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!"

Now that I have clearly condescended to offer a mental midget such as yourself a pair of stilts in the form of my attention and literary courtesy, I will close by saying that it does not take a super sleuth to see that Marshall DESPERATELY needs this series, which is fitting since desperation be thy middle name of the Camden Park Cavalry, led this morning by a clown such as yourself.

Hopefully MU's brass takes your advice and walks. Ditto for WVU. Hopefully MU ends this obsession with WVU. Hopefully in a land built on FREEDOM, WVU can freely determine its own schedule. It's not very becoming to look down and see one of MU's half dozen fans clinging to WVU's leg screaming, "PLEASE DON'T GO!".

Do yourself and your burger-flipping readers a favor, Doug. Take a shower, cultivate some dignity, and learn to walk away gracefully. Maybe pop in John Lennon's "Imagine." You and I can even take this moment to collaborate on some modified lyrics:

They may say Doug's a dreamer
But he's not the only one
I hope someday he'll watch WVU in the Sugar Bowl
While Marshall can only go to K-mart and buy them one!
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