This "article" officially ran just two weeks into the life of The Smoking Musket (nee West By God Virginia). Back then, we had about three readers and even my mother was skeptical of the entire of idea of the site. So, considering not many of you have read it, and the fact that I swamped at work today (people will NOT stop supersizing their meals), you get to enjoy this trip down memory lane.
Also, USF hasn't moved to a more appropriate geographic location and Jacksonville still sucks, so this piece is just as relevant today as it was then. Enjoy...
This is going to be an interactive exercise. Take a look at the map above.
If you're not a complete retard, you can differentiate between north and south, east and west. Some of you more advanced readers can distinguish a place in between some of those directions, such as central. The most advanced (we're looking at you Communications majors) can come with up with such abstract concepts such as northeastern or west-central.
Now look back to the map. Find Miami (hint: it's in the bottom right-handed corner). Miami is in the part of Florida called "south Florida." Can you say "south Florida?" Good.
This time, find Jacksonville. Did you find it? Good. Jacksonville is in the part of Florida called "hell." Can you say "hell?" Great. Sometimes, to be polite, we refer to "hell" as "north Florida." Remember, if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all, and that includes hurling obscenities at residents of hell...err, Jacksonville. Also, Jacksonville has it's fair share of good things, too, like liquor stores and cut-off jean shorts. So be nice!
OK, so now we've found both north Florida and south Florida. This is where it gets tricky. Be sure to put on your thinking caps before we get started.
Find Tampa. If you need help, it's on the west (read: left) coast of Florida. See it there right in the middle of the state? Nice work. Well, since Miami is in southern Florida and Jacksonville is in northern Florida, where is Tampa? Well, Tampa is in West-Central Florida. From Tampa to Jacksonville, it is 224 miles. But from Tampa to Miami, it is 283 miles. Which is longer? 283 miles, fantastic. You guys are smart.
So, what if I told you that the University of South Florida was not in Miami, but instead in Tampa? Remember, Tampa is closer to Jacksonville than Miami. You'd be surprised, wouldn't you? Me too. You might even think to yourself that people from USF were fucking retarded, wouldn't you? Me too.
Well, that's all for today, class. Things to take away from today:
1) People from Tampa and USF don't own maps and wouldn't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
2) Jacksonville is white-trash.