The Revolution Will Be Televised (On Versus)

A couple months ago, as some of you may remember, I officially launched my grassroots campaign for Athletic Director of WVU. It was always going to be an uphill battle, but as a simple country boy -- you might say a cockeyed optimist -- I figured I had as good a chance as any.

You may even remember some of my campaign platforms:

1. Each scholarship football player would receive one designated knight of the roundtable to fight all nightclub fights. The better the player, the better the knight. Noel Devine, obviously, would get Lancelot. Ed Collington, if he were still on the team, would get the knight version of Radio.

3. Jamie Smalligan will be publicly flogged to mark both the winter and summer solstice, as well as Flag Day.

5. Major Harris will be permanently displayed outside of the south gate at Mountaineer Field. A statue, you say? No, the real Major Harris.

Well, thanks to the shenanigans surrounding the Garrison regime, my chances just got a little better.

You see, Craig Walker, Garrison's chief of staff, was seen as the front runner in the AD derby. Well, the tarnish on this administration -- at least right now -- has him dropping behind in the polls. And when I say polls, I mean random numbers I am assigning to potential candidates in my head.

Well, the latest polls are out and you'll never guess who's leading -- that's right, me -- Charley freaking West. (I was as surprised as you, which is weird considering I'm the one making all this up.)

As the newly crowned front runner, I figured it was time to transition my campaign and its platforms. No longer would I have to propose outlandish plans to get attention. Now, I can focus on big-picture, practical ideas. Like expanding the PRT to the soon-to-be-built "Charley West Memorial College Residence, Museum, and Amusement Park," to be located at Price and Fife, where I lived my sophomore and junior year. (FYI, tours would run Tuesday-Saturday, closed on all major holidays.)

Here are some of my other totally awesome new proposals:

Start providing the Mountaineer with live ammunition. That way, any standout opposing players can be quickly neutralized. Also, a silencer might be a good idea. And probably a getaway car with a safehouse nearby.

Pat White will be cloned every four years starting immediately after this season. So people don't catch on to our master plan, each clone will be given different name -- like Matt White. Or Pat Dwight. You know, something clever to throw people off.

Dwight Yoakam will never step foot inside Mountaineer Field. Unless, of course, he wants to reenact his scene from Wedding Crashers. Though, if he tries to sing or perform, the Mountaineer and his new silencer will be waiting for him.

We will never play Marshall in football. I can not stress this enough.

New cheerleading uniforms will look less like this...

...and a lot more like this...

Though the actual cheerleaders will be just as easy.

So, now do I have your vote? Yeah, I thought so.

[Thanks to Michael M. for the headline idea]