Ian Smith's Long Trip Into Manhood

This is Ian Smith. You see, Mr. Smith is president of the Oakland Zoo, which is apparently a good thing at Pitt. He was also revealed as a 22 year old virgin masquerading as a shit-talking badass last November. Well, a lot has happened between that first profile and today, so we figured we'd sit down and get to know Ian Smith just a little better. Today, we'll hear the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

Thanks for sitting down with us today, Ian.

Not a problem, Charley. Wow, you look a lot like Brad Pitt.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Moving on. So, Ian, how often do you masturbate?

Excuse me?

You know, beat off, charm your one-eyed snake, prime the pump, apply the hand brake, husk your corn, release the hostages, tickle your Elmo.

Why would you ask that?

Well, if you're a 22 year old virgin, logic stands that you'd have a lot of pent up sexual frustration. Let me ask you this, is your right hand's name Carla or Carl?

I'm not gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm also not a virgin anymore.

Bullshit. Did you find another girl who wears an Oakland Zoo t-shirt over an orange collared shirt and make sweet, sweet awkward-as-hell 30 second nerd love to her?

Yes.

Oh, I was just making a joke.

She's my girlfriend now.

Wow, girlfriend? That's a big step. You know another big step? Anal. She might say it hurts, but the best parts of love often do.

What?

Nevermind. So, a girlfriend? You must be right at home with the ladies -- really know your way around. You probably know where all the parts are and everything.

Absolutely.

Hey Charley!

Schnikes, who's that?

Oh, that's just my girlfriend, Maria Sharapova.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Settle down, Ian. With a girlfriend, talking to a woman should be no big deal.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

So, Ian, what kind of music do you like?

OhmyGod.OhmyGod.OhmyGod. OH MY GOD!

Whoa, what just happened?

Umm, this is awkward. Where's your restroom?

Don't worry, Ian, it happens to lots of guys.

It's happened to you?

No, of course not, don't be silly. Other guys.

(after spending 15 minutes in the restroom) So, Charley, I was lying to you earlier.

What, your hand's name is Carla?

Exactly.