2007 To-Do List: Pitt Panthers

Every fan base across the country is preparing for the upcoming 2007 season...and each fan base is probably doing it in very different ways. At Auburn, they're trotting out the jean shorts and cut-off shirts. At Baylor, they're hiding the razor blades for after those 11 close losses. And in Pittsburgh...

1. Groom mustache.

...4 hours later...

2. Finish grooming mustache. Check framed picture of Dave Wannstedt on nightstand to see if mustache is up-to-grade.

3. Ready to start the day. Check closet solely devoted to Steelers jerseys. Which one to wear today? Big Ben road? Big Ben home? Big Ben Miami of Ohio throwback? Eh, who cares what jersey I wear, my mustache is looking fucking sweet.

4. Check the message boards. Thank God only 2 Pitt players were thrown off the team today. That's a new record low. Spend the next 2 hours trying to find new ways to call Mountaineer fans hillbillies. Settle on old-faithful: hoopie. Silently pat self on back for job well done.

5. 2 o'clock: time to give Mark May his daily blow job.

6. Bitch about how Penn State won't play Pitt anymore. If by chance they do ever agree to a new series, shit my pants in fear.

7. Oh no. No. No. No. Starting to have flashbacks. Oh no! Must try to repress bad memories. Ahhhhh. Too late.

8. Talk shit about how great Pitt recruiting has been. Talk only about the future, not about the past. NEVER about the past, especially that part about losing and all of our top recruits leaving the program.

9. And last, but not least, get dressed as an empty seat, join 30,000 of my other empty seat friends at Heinz Field.